12 Apr Writing a letter to myself

Posted at 14:48h in Clarity of mind, EXPLORE, FOCUS, Mind and spirit, NOURISH, Self development by Kristina

|| why gentle self reflection is important ||

A good friend of mine sent me the link to an article once, where a lady wrote about the benefits of writing a letter to your younger self. Frankly, I do not remember any details of her article but I remember that after reading it, I sat down right away and wrote that letter to my younger self. Internal reflections on my past experiences and behaviours are something I do a lot and they help (and sometimes torture) me on many fronts. But this exercise had a much more liberating effect. Rather than being critical and hard on myself – as I often tend to – I looked at my past with compassion and acceptance, almost like a parent who is emotionally super close to their child. Finishing and reading the letter still gives me a sense of peaceful closure to things I have judged myself over way too many times. I could see that one of the biggest life challenges for me were (and still are to some extent) the idea of acceptance. Accepting that some things just cannot be changed. Accepting people for who they are and letting them be, while continuing the focus on my own path. It was a simple and surprisingly easy exercise, yet the impact remains so meaningful to me. And so I chose to share this letter with you. Perhaps it’ll inspire you to do something similar and give you some peace over a difficult time or topic.

Hi Krissi,

Only a handful of people call you Krissi nowadays. You are Kris now. Sometimes Kristina. So many crazy, terrible and amazing experiences are to happen to you over the next few years and you’ll feel like you’ve entered heaven and hell at times, but you will manage. All of it! You always wanted to be perfect. Your definition of perfection was to be slim with flawless skin, independent, rich, powerful, intimidating with a sharp mind and not afraid to speak up in front of anybody.

You wanted a lifestyle that could be summarised as a luxury hippy perhaps. You liked the idea of wealth and materialism, something that your mom penetrated in your mind from such an early age. But you still had that attraction to being somewhat alternative, spiritual, kind. You created a paradox in your mind, and it was tearing you apart at times. Like an untouchable queen and a kind sister at the same time. All your spiritual desires had to be explored and understood from scratch. Your parents have nothing to give you on that level. Simply because they had no opportunity to explore it for themselves when their minds could have been susceptible to it. Things that came so naturally to some of the people you chose to surround yourself with, took you years to figure out and embrace. A painful process at times but somehow you must have known it’ll be worth it and so you powered through.

You will get used to it and once the base is built more solidly, you will understand things more effortlessly and with less fear of failure. You used to be scared of all sorts of things – things that you knew were actually fun. And you hated how this fear dominated your actions. It is normal in your family for the woman to do nothing but work hard, run the household, organise schedules and take care of her appearance. You were trained to be afraid of animals, anything remotely close to extreme sports, drugs, adventures, unknown situations and so many other things. Slowly, ever so slowly you started working on overcoming those fears. The process will continue for a lot longer, maybe your whole life but you will continue to find so much joy and wisdom in some of these experiences that they overrule and shrink the fear to a pretty low background noise.

You felt trapped many times.

Striving for a fulfilling life, yet stuck doing not much at all. You vegetated through most days of your teens, daydreaming yourself through the hours after school and into the weekend where hopefully a party would happen. You didn’t really know what to do with yourself and your parents didn’t have the means to give you guidance. You felt different to your friends. All you could think of was to leave that hole of a town you had to spend 19 years in. The time of big changes and living your differences will come and you will be shitting and doubting yourself regularly. But you will work hard to find peace with being different to what you were taught when you were younger.

You will create a life for yourself that you didn’t even have the capacity to imagine when you were little. Several attempts at new things, several mental tortures, telling yourself you’re not going to make it. Yet somehow you will manage. You will continue to have incredible friends who love and respect you for who you are and eventually you will start seeing how important it is for your confidence and inner peace. These friends and a lot of others will think of you as an incredibly brave and fearless person, while you will forever wonder how they cannot see the fear that continues to be your bothersome shadow alongside all your bold actions.

You were asked to provide adult opinions way too early in your life. People, including your mom and dad, expected you to act older than you could handle at times. It is something you will try to avoid as best as you can with your own children.

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Here are some things I wish I could have told you back then:

You don’t have to try to be different. You are different without trying at all. Still, some people won’t be impressed by you and they might not like you. Don’t waste your thoughts on it.
Listen to your intuition A LOT. And push through when your intuition tells you it’s time to let go and put an end to something.
Your parents have a different way of loving than you believe you need. It is something you have to accept.
Perfection is not something to strive for. It’s within you - naturally. Identifying your true nature, without fear of failure and self dismissal takes time and will become one of the most meaningful missions for you.
Address your tendency to procrastinate and begin to teach yourself some discipline. Your parents weren’t able to teach you, but not out of bad intentions. Accept it and look for ways to help yourself.
You will never be able to control everything. Accept that the universe might have some surprises for you and don’t let it throw you off. It’s all a bit of a freak show sometimes. See the irony in it and don’t take it too seriously.
You don’t need more people to love you to find more happiness. It’s YOU! You have to love yourself sincerely.