24 Apr The trap of perfection
|| Learning how to mute the voice of self doubt ||
What is it? Perfection. Does it even exist? An illusion that ruins dreams and stops you from becoming your best self. Because the concept of perfection leaves you feeling you’ll never be good enough. And so do we keep chasing it? I remember one day as a teenager looking in the mirror and telling myself I had to be perfect in this world. And to be perfect I had to think of everything I wanted to do before doing it. And that way I would avoid making mistakes.
That moment was a turning point towards a downward spiral in my life. It made me rigid and forced me to create a life inside of a very small box. A box where nothing could go wrong, which also meant that not much was going on at all. But at least the few things I could do, I’d be ‘perfect’ at. So, I limited my life to that. And of course this crazy idea didn’t stop me from making mistakes eventually. But it sure did stop me from living.
THE VOICE OF PERFECTION WOULD COME BACK TO ME AND REMIND ME THAT IT WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH.
As the years passed, this shadow found a permanent voice in my head, joined me everyhwere I went, and manifested mainly in two ways:
The first one, as I mentioned, was a paralysis that stopped me from moving. If I wanted to be creative and explore a different hobby, the fear of not being good enough wouldn’t even let me try it. And the second was me becoming a very hard, mean and constant judge towards myself. Whenever I just had a fraction of a positive thought such as, ‘I had a good day at work’, the voice of perfection would come back to me and remind me that ‘it wasn’t good enough’. It was always with me, on and on, no offs, no breaks. Pointing out the missing parts, no matter how small they were and always highlighting the imperfection. Fortunately, there came a day when I messed things up so badly, that the idea of perfection dropped and just smashed into tiny pieces; so small that it became impossible to pick them up again. And I had no choice but to embrace it.
Somehow, I accepted that I needed to step away from this madness, that I needed to let things flow as they unfold and that it was not humanly possible to control everything. I also began to see that the concept of perfection was not compatible with humankind. Perfection should only be used in objective circumstances, not subjective matters. I started to look at my ‘imperfections’ instead of trying to conceal them and eventually I could feel sympathy for them. In other words, I started living again and I learned that this is where the process of ‘becoming’ takes place.
IT'S OKAY TO MAKE MISTAKES OR FAIL.
We can be our best selves so naturally, yet we keep distracting ourselves with trying to be perfect. And when we get to the point where we can’t keep trying anymore; we have to learn how to be who we really are again.
So, I guess this is an invitation to all of you who relate. Treat this judging and harsh voice with compassion, because it points out the parts of ourselves that need to be loved and accepted. Acknowledge this voice and let it know you appreciate its concern. But keep reminding it that you’re allowed to try, and that it’s ok to make mistakes or fail. Failure is only bad if you see it that way. It can also just simply be a signal to move on. And the action of moving forward, is where the act of living takes place. Just to clarify – I have not completely escaped the dark trap of perfection. Every now and then the voice comes back and whispers into my ears ‘stop doing it, it won’t be perfect’. And of course it won’t, but only because it’s not meant to be
Here are some useful tips that have helped me throughout the years:
- Focus on enjoying the journey rather than the results.
- Set realistic and achievable goals
- Observe the way you communicate with yourself
- Cultivate the habit of taking action and not overthinking
- Acknowledge that a big part of life is making mistakes
- Remember that with failure, comes knowledge
- Stay away from comparing yourself to others. You're one in 8 billion!
