12 Apr How to deal with heartbreak
|| All the big stuff my last breakup taught me… ||
This story begins with the worst heartbreak I have ever experienced. One of those where you think you have been thrown into a black void, wished life was only a video game, or even considered the idea of being run over by a bus. Okay the last one was just a second long thought and I came no closer to a bus, but what I did do was book 7 different therapies in one week to help me cope with the saddest version of myself. Yes, 7 – one for each day – and I would have probably booked more if the week had more days.
These therapies or appointments included a tarot reading, an animal medium to see what my dog thought of the break up (I will leave the judgement of this one to you), a sex counsellor, a couple therapist, my conventional therapist, a new therapist to see if he sees things differently to my regular therapist, and a past life reading. Was it too much? Probably! But honestly speaking, at the time it was the only way I found to ‘survive; and the only activity that provided me an inch of hope to move out of that insane sadness.
'I sat down, took a deep breath and looked at my broken heart. Piece by piece, one at a time'.
Once that week was concluded I decided no more of this. I knew all of those therapies were distractions – desperate attempts to avoid the inevitable, which was facing my feelings. So I sat down, took a deep breath and looked at my broken heart. Piece by piece, one at a time.
And there they were: broken dreams, old pains, past griefs, regrets, fears, anger, hopes, illusions – things I knew I had to say goodbye to but didn’t know how.
And what hurt me the most was recognising that I, throughout my life, had also kept my heart in a prison. In an attempt to protect it from getting hurt, I actually deprived it from fully loving and accepting love. And why was I so afraid of getting hurt? Because of my own inability to fully and truly love myself.
I owed myself radical honesty and that was a hard pill to swallow. But I knew it would bring peace and relief. And so I promised myself that I was going to start loving myself more fiercely, deeply and completely – no matter how long it would take me.
One night, as I was sitting through another session filled with thoughts and considerations, it started to rain. I felt this intense urge to step out and let the storm completely embrace me. And next thing I knew, I was completely soaked, not only in water but in my own pain. And I didn’t resist it, I surrendered to the feeling of actually feeling, and then it happened, acceptance knocked on my door.
I stopped fighting with my story, I stopped wanting to change reality. And you know what happens when you accept life as it is and not as you wished it was? Peace comes. Peace – the gateway to love. That moment under the cold rain, was my first tiny glimpse of a light in this dark cold tunnel I had been navigating through. And that night I committed to one of the most courageous acts of my process, I began to truly let go.
Slowly, day by day, my heart began to heal. I started to rebuild myself, with compassion, taking care of myself, and surrounding myself with people I knew I loved. Letting them love me and receiving their love was the most powerful healing medicine I could ever experience. Gradually, the pieces of my heart started to come back together, making a newly shaped heart. Admittedly with cracks all over the place, but you know what they say: cracks are a way for light to get in, and I believe this was true for me.
This breakup really touched my deepest fibres, and reopened my most painful wounds, but in the end it also gave me one of the greatest gifts – I became my own home and the relationship with myself improved significantly.
I am grateful this breakup happened but I also know just how insanely difficult it can be. So if you are going through something similar, first let me promise you: it all shall pass! And until then, here are some ways to cope:
here are some ways to cope:
- Embrace everything you’re feeling.
Studies suggest that a breakup can be just as painful as facing the death of a loved one. It does indeed feel like that person dies for us and with that, all those collective dreams and the idea of a future together. So the stages of a heartbreak are the same as grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I remember asking so many people: How long does heartbreak last? Almost begging for someone to please give me a timeline. Of course there isn’t one. We are all different and so are the relationships we are trying to get over. The only thing I can suggest is: Focus on diving deeply into each one of these stages. Live them in all their facets but without overindulging in self pity. You want to come out of this stronger and closer to your true self. You know what they say, the only way out is through, and I couldn’t agree more.
- Write about your experience.
Journaling was a great resource for me. It helped me release my emotions. Just as I felt my heart was going to explode, putting everything down on a piece of paper felt like a breath of fresh air. It really reduced my stress and anxiety levels. And it gave me the possibility to express myself without any filters. I am certain that these experiences allow us to obtain powerful knowledge from within and help us go through similar circumstances in the future. They are lessons for us to become our own healers and teachers. And having your thoughts on paper is a great coping mechanism and future resource to remember the journey of self growth.
- Surround yourself with the ones you love.
I used to cope with breakups on my own, and I can genuinely tell you what a huge difference it made this time to be surrounded by my people. I used to think that pain was something you deal with by yourself. It is not! There’s nothing more powerful than being vulnerable. Brené Brown, a master of the topic, says that there’s nothing braver than allowing ourselves to be fully seen. For me this was a decisive part of my healing journey. It made the connections with my loved ones deeper, and it was a great way to learn how to truly receive love. Being taken care of, allowed me to really concentrate on putting myself back together.
‘Daring Greatly’ & ‘The Gifts of Imperfection’ by Brené Brown are great reads on this topic.
- Make yourself a priority.
This should always be a rule in our life, but let’s be honest, sometimes we lose ourselves in relationships. Breakups are a great invitation to give ourselves what we need (again). Think of small things like eating healthy and exercising, signing up for that workshop you said you were going to but never did, taking the trip that’s been on your bucket list for ages, trying that new restaurant you wanted to, or whatever you know makes your soul smile and feels like you’re saying yes to yourself. I know at the beginning you might not have the energy for big steps – I definitely didn’t, but start where you can. I remember one morning I made myself breakfast, and this action as small as it was, showed commitment and love towards myself. Little by little, day by day, these tiny actions and self kindness became bigger, until one day I signed up to a workshop, then tried that new restaurant, and finally booked that solo trip. Experience your life with you as the priority and then watch the magic happen.
- Always, always, say yes to love.
When will I find love after a heartbreak? My best advice is: just don’t think about when you’re going to find love again, or who’s going to love you next. Love is infinite, and you don’t need to worry about it. Love is all around us, and there’s absolutely no reason to believe it won’t find you. Just do your job, love yourself and let people meet you there, only there. And remember, love is and always will be the safest place for your heart.
'I guess hearts are always under construction and there are things I'm still working on, but am I at peace with what happened'.
In conclusion, this heartbreak was a huge turning point in my life because it showed me where my wounds were, so I could really take care of them and navigate through life happier and more freely. It gave me big lessons on acceptance, trust, forgiveness and love.
And 6 months later, how is my heart doing?
I guess hearts are always under construction and there are things I’m still working on, but am I at peace with what happened. I accept that the relationship is over, I don’t fight with what happened or didn’t happen and I forgave myself for what I did or didn’t do.
